MOTHERHOOD: LOOKING FOR A PART-TIME, FULL-TIME, EXTRA FULL-TIME JOB?

If you were applying for the job of Wife/Mom, this is what it would look like. Now mind you, this is on top of the other full-time job that you do to pay the bills. You know, the one where you need to show up looking neat and clean. Yep, the one that is easy in comparison to this one. Seriously, NO PAY for all this? Ladies, let’s march on Washington. Who’s with me?

NEVER-ENDING OPEN POSITION: WIFE/MOM

Applications are invited for the position of a manager to a strong-willed team of individuals of varying ages, weight, height and common sense. Plus some pets.

The successful applicant will be required to perform the following functions: lover, mistress, occasional whore, companion, teacher, counselor, financial manager, buying officer, teacher, nurse, chef, nutritionist, decorator, cleaner, driver, child care supervisor, social secretary, and recreation officer.

Should be impervious to blood, urine, poop, vomit and tears when necessary.

Must be able to negotiate with a small person, and like an advance chess player acknowledge future consequences of every move.

Applicants must have unlimited energy and a strong sense of responsibility. They must be independent, self-motivated and able to work under stress, and adaptable enough to handle new developments in the life of the team, including emergencies and crises, in various states of limited personal hygiene and dress.

The must be able to communicate with people in all walks of life including in-laws, teachers, doctors, business people, dentists, shop assistants, fast food employees, people who have restrooms you need to use at a moment’s notice, teenagers, other people’s children and annoying strangers who mean well.

Creativity, sensitivity, compassion and an understanding of people is necessary as the successful applicant will also be responsible for the mental and emotional well-being of the team. An ability to craft things out of pasta is a definite plus.

Must also be able to keep your chin up and tits out for your husband.

HOURS: All waking moments, all sleeping moments (sleep not guaranteed), all the moments in between those and back-to-back 24-hours shifts fueled only by coffee, red wine, Advil, chicken nuggets, crayons and hope.

BENEFITS: Loads of love and hugs but no guaranteed holidays, no sick leave or maternity. No workers comp. AAA only if you remember to send off the payment, and can find the form.

PAY: Lots of love, sticky kisses, and the occasional macaroni sculpture.

Motherhood: The uniform for this job should be a tutu and a tiara.

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