Can You Hear Me Now?

Just got the message that my son is listening, even when I think he isn’t.

Last week, I did five PR events within seven days.  Always happy for the work, and always delighted to be of service and out of my “Mom Pants”, but spent a few too many nights eating dinner off the hors d’oeuvre tray and way too much time in high heels.  I was on the phone happily  reviewing all events with a PR girlfriend while my son was in the room coloring.  The next day when I picked my son up at pre-school his teacher was giggling as she came to meet me. She told me that when she asked my son how he was doing that morning he told her “Not so good. I’m bloated and my back hurts.”  Now where in the world did he pick that up?

This kid might not look like he’s listening, but he is!

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I Swap Sex Favors With My Neighbor

Put down that 50 Shades of Grey – it’s time to get real. Time to get naughty. Time to get naked.

Sex swaps are alive and well here in the Hollywood Hills, I’m proud to report. No, it’s not 1970 calling, and we’re not in a Jackie Collins novel…we’re scheduling. With the neighbors. And here’s how you too can sneak sex into your working mom life.

1.)    Find a neighbor who also has a kid. It’s best if you find your mirror family. You got one kid, they got one kid, you got two, they got two. You get the idea….

2.)    Encourage your kids to become friends, let’s say best friends, with your neighbor’s kids (this means your kid will want to play at the neighbors house thus momentarily gifting you 30 minutes of kid free adult time —bearing any calls of needed trip to E.R.)

3.)    Put down the vacuum. As my neighbor said to me “I’m giving you 30 minutes with your husband. No cleaning allowed.”  I sprinted to my husband to tell him of the good news and neighbors “no cleaning, nudity required condition”.

This arrangement can go on for as long as your kids stay friends (encourage always) and each “swap” is always equal. We would like to say we’re swapping on a daily basis, but let’s get real. We are working parents. We consider ourselves heroes if we swap monthly.

Who needs Grey? I just laid it out for you in Black and White.

Happy Couple, No Cleaning Allowed

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Moms Work Made Easy

Sure, balancing work and motherhood can be a tricky job, but duct tape and vodka can help you make it through. Just don’t let the kids drink too much.

P.S. Thanks to one of my favorite magazine editors wrestling with teenagers for that inspiration. Bottoms up!

Quality Time Hanging with Mom

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The School of Rot

Looking at kindergartens for my son has brought me to my knees in a way that nothing else can or ever will. (And if anyone asks how I got these knee-burns, I will gladly tell them).

It’s not so much the schools themselves but the fact that I feel like an abject failure. I’m a Pitiful Miserable Pathetic Mom.

If I could do a Rick Santorum and drop out of the race, I would. But I can’t, my kid’s future depends on me but this me, is not the best version. Oh no.

I feel like a beggar searching for a good affordable education for my child. Sending him to a public school will be tough but I can’t afford private school. It’s going to cost around $25k a year. Roughly the yearly mani-pedi expenditure of a Beverly Hills Housewife.

My husband I pay taxes – we shouldn’t be in this situation. And are you seriously telling me that we have to hand over our life savings (ha!) so that our child can learn how to read and write (which by the way, he already can).

Also, I’m a Jew, so Sucky American School System, are you also telling me that I have to send my kid to a Christian school – a semi more affordable choice but the recent plight of the Catholic church makes it less attractive. It’s hard to say good things about Catholic School when your first thought is ‘Were you molested?’

No. This must stop. Now. Right now.

Here’s my solution. A simple one, from a simple mom, wanting a simple thing: a good (but really I mean great) education for her kid.

I’d like to propose that we make it law that elected officials in public office, including the President of the United States, are required to send their kids to public school. And that includes mayors, senators, and congressmen/women. What’s good enough for the goose is good enough for the gander.

Who’s with me? How do I do this? What do I need?

A Facebook page? A Masters Degree? An appointment with Oprah?

Can anyone help? Anyone?

I’m still praying for my kid’s future. Can I get off my knees yet?

learning how to read and write: priceless

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Busy Working Mom Needs Boy Toy – ASAP

Couldn’t decide if I was going to order “Cabana Boy” or “Pool Boy” and it turns out they were out of everything.

boy_toy

I hate when that happens.

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The Motherload – A Video Salute to Mothers Everywhere.

Being a Mom is the hardest job in the world, but also the best. This video honors all that moms do. A tribute to Moms from Proctor and Gamble. Genius marketing. Brilliantly produced. Well done. I tip my marketing hat to you P&G. And yes, I’ll buy your Tide. This video even makes the piles of laundry that come with motherhood seem easier to get through. Not to mention the endless schlepping to karate classes, ballet classes, swim classes. This video is sure to improve your morale during any of those tasks. I cried the first three times I watched it. Hope you do too. Enjoy.

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Want to Audition To Be My Friend?

Classic Hollywood. An old acquaintance wrote to me and said “I’m going to be part of a new reality show, would you be interested in auditioning to be my friend?” Oh, Los Angeles….you never cease to delight me. And I sooo love reality television – especially on the 3rd take.

Friends till the end…end of the season, that is

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I’m a Mother Sucker

McDonalds is a genius marketing machine and I’m no match for the mighty ‘golden arches’. Case in point – I’m walking down the street and my beautiful, innocent, pure of heart and mind son says to me, “Mama, I’m hungry.” Time stands still. The world stops turning. I’m a mother who leaps into action. “Would you like a snack?” He nods politely. “Would you like a Happy Meal?” “Yes please, Mama,” says my son, with perfect manners. We get the meal. He tears into the box. “My goodness,” I think to myself, “He must be starving.” With pure abandon he reaches in and holds up the toy. “I’ve got it,” he says in triumph. “A new car.” He has no interest in the food. He only wants the toy. I’ve been had. I am a mother sucker.

This marketing mom is no match for the marketing power of the mighty golden arches

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Beverly Hills Housewife Reject

Nickelodeon TV is doing a show with Mom bloggers. I was asked to make a 5 minute video of myself, my life, my family, my friends and talk about how my life has changed and show a “day-in-the-life-of”. Had less than 48 hours to complete the task. Here it is. Hoped to be selected but wasn’t. A little bird whispered in my ear that executives didn’t appreciate my mixing alcohol with motherhood.  Who is running Nickelodeon – a bunch of Mormons? Nickelodeon TV – you’re against showing happy, joyful moms sharing a drink? You don’t think alcohol and motherhood mix? How do you think half of the women got knocked up in the first place?

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Time Warner – Phone Home

Day 6 of no phone service due to a Time Warner Cable error that they seem to have no intention of fixing. Good news is that after 6 days, 26 phone calls, 4 letters and 16 social media posts I just got my first return email. They asked for a number to call me at, and then told me my phone number wasn’t working. Beautiful.

Time Warner Cable Customer Service

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“Mommy, my pee-pee is a tower and it won’t go down.”

My sudsy startled son stands up in the tub and declares with confusion “Mommy, my pee-pee is a tower and it won’t go down.”   “Oh, sweetie, that’s a natural part of growing up”  is the best I can muster in my surprise.  My son is concerned “How long will this last?”,  he asks.  I try not to laugh and can hear the punch line in my head “Oh, 68 years or so…depending upon the stress of your job.”  But instead, the mother in me comes forward, gives her son a tender kiss and says “if you’re anything like Dad, 3 minutes.”

***Wife’s note: the above punch line was only for comedic purposes and has nothing to do with my stallion hung Argentine husband’s actual sexual prowess.

***Author’s note: my husband made me write everything above.

Tower of Husband (Shown Actual Size).

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Martha Stewart Would Croak…

String Cheese + Wine = Motherhood.

I’m a working girl gourmet.

This is what real motherhood tastes like, my friends.

It's the Simple Pleasures that Matter

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Freaks of Nature

Parent Magazine and AARP arrive in our mailbox on the same day. It’s official, my husband and I are freaks of nature.

Not the youngest parents, but the happiest

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It’s Time to Get a Second Opinion

Different Strokes for Different Folks

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Where’s My Award?

So awards season is upon us and Hollywood is groaning under the weight of stylists in a blind panic, dieting A-listers and botox clinics that are fit to burst. If your name starts with Meryl and ends with Streep, you’re guaranteed to be walking away with an award or two this year but what about me?

In the last week alone I’ve written and delivered a speech to the CEO of a major corporation for a gala evening, organized an Oscar gift basket for a client in the luxury travel industry, and completed a satellite media tour for the Oscar nominee basket. You think Christmas is exhausting, we’re talking 65 baskets, people!

Oh yes, and I’m still a mom to my precious child and wife to my darling husband.

Wonder Woman doesn’t even begin to cover it.

It’s a balancing act that wouldn’t be out of place at Cirque du Soleil.

But far from being offered my own show in Las Vegas, us working moms rarely get praise for what we do; which is make miracles happen every 24 hours.

There’s the scheduling, the traffic, the attending to everyone’s needs, the desire – and ugh, necessity – to look the part if I have to leave the house and speak to three-dimensional humans, and that small thing of keeping my clients happy.

I do all of that. And more.

How is my shelf not groaning under the weight of dozens of shiny engraved statues?

So yes, a spa day or a few hours on the sofa in front of the TV would be very welcome but I have to be – and am very content – to know that my prize is my little boy bringing me rainbow and butterfly pictures. And hugs from my loving husband.

That’s worth more than any gold statue. I just wish I had more hours in the day to spend with my boys. More time off…now there’s a prize worth working towards.

Oh and a new Mercedes convertible too. A girl’s gotta have goals.

Wonder Woman Doesn't Even Begin to Cover It

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Values Worth Dancing For

I have been inspired by Ellen DeGeneres so many times in my life…and now she is inspiring me to shop at JCPenny. Hope you do too. To all my gay friends and the entire universe, sorry the 1 million Moms group (with only 40,000 Facebook fans — now that’s rounding up to the nearest million) posted such outdated views. On behalf of open minded, liberal and loving Moms everywhere, I apologized for their antiquated, outdated, useless ignorance.

After addressing her critics, the daytime host concluded her response by laying out her values: “I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people they way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.”

She added, “Oh — also I believe in dance.”

I stand for that too. And I would add in a little laughter. Ellen and JCPenny now have my vote. Hope they have yours too.

I strongly encourage you to please like this page (every mother and every other I know).
https://www.facebook.com/mothersandothersforjcpenny

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Working Mom Triumph’s

1.       Any day I carry a handbag that is not bigger than my head.

2.       Any meal not eaten in the car.

3.       Any day I go to work and don’t find Cheerios in my underpants.

…And any day I drop my kid off at pre school and I don’t cry as I head to work.

Tell Me To Do Yoga to Relax, and I Will Punch You...

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Tuck It Real Good.

Went to her memorial service for a dear friend in Beverly Hills. Was filled with very wealthy, glamorous older ladies. They were all stunning and lovely to look at,  but here’s what I learned.

Having a face lift does not make you look ten years younger. It just makes you look permanently surprised.

How To Look Permanently Shocked and Surprised for the Rest of Your Life - Sexy, Huh?

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Motherhood – Your True Colors

To the producers of “Harold and the Purple Crayon”.  Thanks for inspiring my son’s creativity; he is very fond of your show. Now which one of you F#$%^S is coming over to my house to repaint my bathroom and get the Sharpie off the walls??!!

Yes - I Stifle My Kid's Creativity

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Motherhood: Dinner

Dear Julia Child,
I’m sorry.
Love,
Margot

The Secret Ingredient Is Love

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